Greetings and welcome to my world of BITTERNESS

PLEASE SEND ME QUESTIONS VIA EMAIL.
This are all questions asked by people like you.
Actually, these aren't really Frequently Asked Questions... they are more like Once Asked Questions

1. Rufus, why are you so bitter?

Because I feel like it, you stupid machine. Next Question.

2. Why do you like Smurfs so much?

Because Smurfs are good old fashion commies. That's right.. it was the little blue men who taught me to hate capitalism. You don't believe? Check these sites out then:

Socio-Political Themes in The Smurfs

PAPA SMURF IS A COMMUNIST

3. Why do you like Amigas?

I like Amigas, because they're cute and cuddly and ready to please.

4. What is an "Amiga"?

A small race of gnome-like creatures that were all killed off by an air born virus that blew right in through the windows on their steel box houses.

5. Who are your favourite celebrities?

I love all the classic celebrities. And by "classic", I mean dead.

6. Why don't you watch big brother/survivor?

Because I have this overwhelming sensation, I believe it's called "TASTE".

7. What do you think of the FUTURE?

Well, despite that a good friend of mine claims to be from the future and tells me that "crazy shit" will happen, I'm almost certain that the future is pretty bleak ...I mean we don't even have flying cars yet... Yes, that's right. It's the !&!)$&# year 2000 and we're still driving around on the ground... WHAT A @&)@# JIP!

8. Rufus, are you ever not bitter? Is there ever a day where the sun shines down on your sad little life... and you actually feel glad to be alive. Perhaps a moment that brings happiness to your dreary existence?

Go #$%& yourself.

9. Are you still bitter at Moira?

No, I've grown up and realized that I was an asshole. I wish we could be friends. She's a really cool person. She introduced me all of this anti-conformity stuff.

10. What do you think about Roto-Rooters?

*Hiss* *HISS*

11. Do ever hear voices in your head?

Yes.

12. What do they say?

They keep on asking me questions.

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have a dream. A dream where I become rich from selling novelty fish that sing painfully ironic songs to rednecks, yahoos, retards, and people with no taste.

14. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

7 metres per second. Well, you have to know these things when you're bitter, you know.

15. Does God care?

Nope. Sorry. There's way too many people on this rock for one all-knowing being to handle. I doubt he even knows my name. I bet he has me in some database and has assigned me a number based on my time of birth. Something nice and impersonal like 10,029,371,020,238. And then at the end of life I'll just be given a one hour written exam, that will be multi-choice, and marked by some computer. And then "my life" will be graded. The exam will count for 85% and my life experiences will only counting for 15%!

16. Do you think that if you want something bad enough that you could get it?

*sigh* No. That's just want the fat cat capitalists brainwash the teachers to tell us in school. "if you try really hard you can become anything you want." THE TRUTH IS if you try REALLY hard.. and work your ass off . . . you can achieve only slightly better than you parents did. "Go get an education " they say. Of course you should do that .. it's in the fat cats best interests for you to educated yourself so that you can make their company more money, and give them ideas instead of making hamburgers. And they will thank you by paying you slightly more ... so that you can pay off your HUGE Student Debts and buy more of their products to cheer yourself up.

So no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to catch a wild leopard or bankrupt McDonalds.

17. Why?

Wby ask why? ... NO really, why did you?

18. I'd also like to know how they get the caramel into those Rolo's?

All I can tell you is that the special process has robbed my dear friend Ollor's sense of smell.

19. Why is finding the derivative of a mathematical function so easy, but finding one's integral potentially so difficult?

There are some things then even I, the prince of bitterness, don't know.

20. Would you date a black woman?

Yes. I would have sex with her too. If she let me.

21. What's new?

I don't know. But I bet it will come in a plastic wrapped cardboard box. With tons of packaging, and it will be maded by the children of the thrid world, and it will be over priced and completely useless. But everyone will want one anyway.

21. Why don't you ever call?

I don't have your number.

22. Will you hang on for a second?

Nope, I'm out of here.